who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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