apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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