This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
