I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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