I just made out with a guy for $7.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
