Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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