so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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