If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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