i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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