Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Four minutes until I can fart!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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