either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My Higher Power is John Stamos
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
