I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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