You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
