My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
