Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
