i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
