You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
