saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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