Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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