8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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