She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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