just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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