Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
