EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
