You're my little dorito
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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