i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
