I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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