she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
