You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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