The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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