Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
