There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Randomize
