there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
