I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
