I think I won the penis lottery.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
