i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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