You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
