No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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