she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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