Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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