i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
