I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
