got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
