and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
