The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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