Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize