we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
this boner is exhausting
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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