glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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