Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
