Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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