I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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