I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
