Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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