textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
