im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Found your dick twin last night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
