Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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