So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
