there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
