you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
