you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
