omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
