ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
