I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
