you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
