Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
